Fifty Shades of Alien (PG13)

Alien&Dougie#10

Alien tries to understand the difference between a sexy film for guys and a “romantic” film for women. Dougie explains it all in one word, “Fifty”.

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INFINI (2015) Rated R

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Rated: R

IMDB: Click Here

Alien: Are these people on drugs?

Dougie: They’re infected.

Alien: With drugs?

Dougie: I better explain the movie. Humans seem to be “jumping” into deep space. It’s never explained how, but a “folded space” theory would be most likely. After an East Coast facility is lethally sterilized due to an unexpected outbreak, another facility initiates a rescue mission. The group has a secondary task to stop a shipment of infected materials as well. Not long after they get there everyone is infected by an alien parasite. Then they go crazy.

Alien: *Snoring*

Dougie: Does that about cover it, Alien?

Alien: Um, yeah, sure. You know, Dougie, a joke’s not funny if it has to be explained.

Dougie: I don’t think the director meant for this movie to be a comedy.

Alien: Really? Because those people were crazy funny.

Dougie: Didn’t you ever encounter a parasitic organism that altered perceptions and behavior during your travels.

Alien: Of course. We called them drugs. Or Cousin Drix. He’d make me so angry and –

Dougie: Anyways… I thought the movie’s concept was pretty cool. An alien species that embodies intelligent evolution.

Alien: I thought it was about people on drugs trying to kill each other. A sort of Thunderdome in space.

Dougie: See, I think that’s where the audience gets lost. Too much shocking violence and not enough science. It seemed obvious these aliens had an intelligent design behind their actions.

Alien: Obvious to you, frickin’ smarty pants.

Dougie: But their motives weren’t properly explained. Were they infecting people for invasion, expansion, or observation purposes? Was it a matter of benign or malevolent survival?

Alien: I think you’re reading too much into this movie.

Dougie: You think so?

Alien: Yeah. It’s good old whack-a-mole fun. That’s an early human arcade game. You’re suppose to use a hammer and hit-

Dougie: I know what it is, Alien.

Alien: Okay. You don’t have to use that tone with me, Dougie.

Dougie: Sorry.

Alien: Sure. I’m going to rate this thing and find a mole to whack.

Alien: !!!     Dougie: !!

Alien: Don’t look at me like that. I like movies where humans hit each other.

Home (2015) Rated PG

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Home (2015)

Rated: PG

IMDB Click Here

Alien: These purple blobs are idiots.

Dougie: It’s a kid movie. They’re suppose to be entertaining for children.

Alien: So they sacrifice the alien character? Seriously, name one smart alien in a kids’ movie. They are always cute and stupid. Yet, somehow they can fly across galaxies.

Dougie: You’re ranting. You’re right, but you’re ranting.

Alien: It has a nice soundtrack.

Dougie: With both Rihanna and Jennifer Lopez in it, it would be stupid if it didn’t.

Alien: I like the bad guy. He’s completely misunderstood.

Dougie: Of course you like the bad guy. He’s going to destroy the world if he doesn’t get what he wants.

Alien: Can you blame him? Wouldn’t you do the same if someone took your–

Dougie: You’re going to give away the end. No spoilers! As little as possible at least.

Alien: I was going to say “rock”. Does it really matter though? Kids will talk through it the first ten times. At least if I give away the end the parents will know what happened.

Dougie: Did you like the movie?

Alien: You mean, Facebook “Like”? Meh. It was okay. I’d watch it again, but that’s only because I’m a fan of that socially inept guy from The Big Bang Theory.

Dougie: Jim Parsons?

Alien: No, John Galecki.

Dougie: He’s not in this movie. I think for a kiddie movie it’s less annoying than the usual tripe put out by Hollywood for the 5-12 year old range.

Alien: There wasn’t a single dirty joke for parents either.

Dougie: Actually, that’s one of the things I appreciate about this movie. Enough with the innuendo in kids’ movies, Tinseltown! Parents don’t want that awkward moment when their kid asks them to explain why they’re laughing at a joke the kid is too young to understand.

Alien: You’d put this movie on for your kids?

Dougie: I don’t have any–

Alien: That you know of. *Evil smile*

Dougie: *Concerned eyebrow raised* But yes, I would, if I had kids. What about you?

Alien: I can’t have kids. We’ve been over this — I’m male!

Dougie: So am I.

Alien: Really? But you have such a purty mouth.

Dougie: *Shakes head* Time for ratings, Alien.

Alien: !!!        Dougie: !!!!

ALIEN (1979) PG-13

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ALIEN (1979) IMDB Click Here

Alien: Sigourney Weaver is hot!

Dougie: We’re talking about the movie, ALIEN, Alien.

Alien: Well, she’s in it.

Dougie: *Rolls eyes behind sunglasses*

Alien: You tricked me. You’re lucky those aliens are so cool.

Dougie: How did I trick you? And yes, they are the coolest aliens ever.

Alien: I take offense to that. You told me the movie was called, ALIEN. I naturally thought it was an unauthorized biography.

Dougie: That’s ridiculous! Nobody admits you exist. It’s about a ship in space responding to a distress call from an unknown vessel. They then get infected and invaded by a hostile alien species.

Alien: I know that now. I watched the movie with you.

Dougie: But maybe they don’t know.

Alien: Who’s “they”?

Dougie: The people reading this review.

Alien: Then maybe they don’t know Sigourney Weaver is hot.

Dougie: Okay, I’ll give you that. Did you like the movie even if it wasn’t about you?

Alien: No one said it wasn’t about me. But yes, I liked it. Those spider things are cute. I almost thought it was a kids’ movie until the whole acid reflux scene.

Dougie: They’re called Face-Huggers.

Alien: Exactly. They hug a lot in kids’ movies.

Dougie: Moving on. As an artist myself, I thought the H.R. Giger inspired alien designs were the best part of the film.

Alien: Is he the human who invented the radiation counter?

Dougie: No, that’s another guy.

Alien: The guy who invented those things on my planet was called Quack.

Dougie: The Quack Meter?

Alien: Yep, at lethal levels of radiation people start to Quack up.

Dougie: Really bad joke, Alien. And it has nothing to do with this movie. Hopefully, we stay on subject when we review the sequels.

Alien: There’s sequels?

Dougie: Let’s rate it!

Alien: !!!!    Dougie: !!!!

Dougie: Wow. We actually agree on something.

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